"I find in you what is so hard to find in myself".

"If you find it so difficult to receive, what do you do to others with all your giving?"

Always watch your balance. You cannot quence another's thirst with an empty glass.

Fail in relationship: Take all autonomy (finance, household, children) to show that you can handle all that, while the other does not even notice it.

Fail in love relationship: Critizising a same sex mate out of uncertainty. You will put the attention to that potential threat, because your partner does not understand the criticism and-will want to understand you.

Fail: Criticizing someone to feel bigger. You will not feel bigger. Instead you will have to take care of him/her, at the expense of your own development. 

The best way to find yourself is in relationships with those you hold dear. You exist by the grace of others. Loving someone is not just taking care of them. Love is to really connect with the other. If you are able to do this, you are free in bondage. Etiquette and 'should' fall away and you just feel what you and the other person need, in respect of physical contact. You can be without each other for a long time, without this impairing the relationship in any way. 

But for this, you have to connect, which is scary. You need to surrender. Another person can take the lead and sometimes you need to take the lead. As long as you continue to investigate to what extent the other strenghtens you and not weakens you, you can experiment with this in all openness. Good intentions are felt and answered.

The balance in your (love) relationship is subject to continuous change. Both partners keep growing. In the workplace, in your circle of friends, by getting children and/or by conditions in the family; everything is reflected on each of the partners. And in it you should find each other again and again. The art is to see that your partner, just like you, is looking for a hand to hold. Try to be that comfort for each other, without holding each other back.
Compliment and support your partner at a major change, such as getting older, becoming a parent or switching jobs. An important change undermines the identity. Make your partner feel like (s)he always has a choice in the next step (in career, training, buying a house, etc.) and radiate the confidence that your partner will always take into account your collective interest. If your relationship is good this is not difficult at all, because you know that your steps are in every one's interest as well.

DEPENDENCY
​​In an unequal situation relationships get tested. Whether it's caring for your sick mother or husband, for small children or even for people in developing countries, the patterns are the same. A person who you like and/or with whom you feel connected is not yet, or is no longer able to provide in their own basic needs. Inevitably you encounter emotion pitfalls. After all, no one likes dependency. This is expressed in tantrums, lamentations, or even inserrections. Autonomy is for every human being a precious possession. Not having autonomy, or the cession of autonomy is accompanied by anxiety. And fear makes that we behave differently than we would do if we were not anxious. In such a situation understanding is a panacea, or even better: love. Make sure that the other feels understood. Act from that notion as invisible as possible, in practical terms, so that the other one doesn't have to be grateful for help where he/she not wants to be depending on in the first place.

CHILDREN
​Children are mini-adults, but without all protection mechanisms that adults built up and always in the here and now. Children live their emotions out and adjust to the environment. They mirror your state of mind perfectly. Much of the behavior of young children can be traced to you as a parent and the good thing about it is that much of the (negative) behavior can also be reversed by you. Often just by experiencing the behaviour differently. When you see the behaviour as your lesson and when you actively do something with it, a child feels seen and understood. Children are naturally loyal to their parents and will try to please the parents. When time and time again the child gets a negative reaction or even no response, it will try to get negative attention (consciously or unconsciously, for example by bedwetting). All to continue to feel the connection with you as a parent. 

A child resembles a tree: the potency of the tree is in the seed at planting. Depending on the quality of the soil, the amount of light, space and protection that the tree gets, it develops strong roots, a broad trunk and branches with healthy leaves. As a parent, you ensure that the child can develop. If it is small you protect the roots and if it is large enough you give it room to grow and develop branches. You can not change anything, you can just slow down the development by damaging the child.

Admire others for the things they do or have different than you. Often we tend to reject things that we don't know, but it is precisely these things that you can learn from. See your relationships as contributing to your life path. Anyone who you come across has to teach you something. Examine (preferably together) what it is that you have to bring each other and travel the road together temporarily or long-term. Let the other go if you no longer feel structurally reinforced by the other. 
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Prejudices are manifestations of a lack of understanding. Prejudice and even real negative prejudice cannot exist if there is full understanding. We are all a collection of emotions and our actions and behaviors are based on that. If you understand someone's situation, now and in the past, then you understand the behavior that is displayed. A negative judgment about that behavior or that person feels almost like a negative judgment about yourself, because you realize that you would exhibit that behavior under those circumstances as well.

​A negative opinion about anyone says more about your lack of understanding of the other, than about the other person. If you feel that understanding the other is not possible, for example because the other does not allow you, or if you feel you have no need to understand the other, let go of your expectations for that person. That prevents conflicts or unnecessary loss of energy by disappointed expectations. Don't linger in the negative judgment or bias, but consider this person and his/her behavior as 'unexplained' and thus neutral. ​

When you unsolicited judge another, you create an unsafe situation. The other has to defend him- or herself. A spontaneous compliment is beautiful and can do much good, but by 'reviewing' another person you in fact place yourself above the other. Even in the case of a positive evaluation, it can give the other an uncomfortable feeling, because the next time it may be negative. The same goes for giving unsolicited advice. Realize that you are not the expert, and that your truth is your truth and may not be someone else's. Nothing as changeable as conditions (and fashion) and nothing so personal as taste.

DEATH OF A LOVED ONE 
If a loved one dies you enter another world, that of funeral / cremation and funeral invitations. Up to and including the funeral / cremation you often feel 'carried' by your environment. After the funeral / cremation, your world suddenly falls silent, while the people around you pick up their normal life. You think you're on a narrow path along a ravine in your grief, but you are already at the bottom of the well and can only go up again. Stay there and sit quietly, look around you. The inevitable next time you feel you are at the bottom, it feels more familiar and thus less overwhelming.

When giving and receiving are out of balance in a relationship, it takes its toll. It is unsatisfactory for yourself. When you think 'Oh well, it's a small effort' this does not mean that it is not still 'trouble'. In the long run the other person is not benefited either, because no one enjoys dependency and through constant giving you create dependence.

Support a loved one by figuring out together which resources are available (rollator, psychological assistance). Don't take over, keep your hands free to hold and comfort the other.

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